How to Avoid the Insecurity of Serial Monogamy
Serial monogamy is when someone moves from relationship to relationship. We all know people who jump from one relationship to another like a frog jumping from lily pad to lily pad. I think that this sort of behavior really puts a man at risk. As a general trend, people who participate in this sort of behavior typically have toxic relationships.
I have a friend who does this very thing. I have known him for a while and the longest he has ever gone without a girlfriend is maybe four months.
I have a couple theories about what motivates this behavior. None of them are pretty.
Insecurity is one of the motivating factors behind this behavior. For people who are insecure, having a girlfriend is a form of external validation to prove to themselves and the people around them that they are desirable.
Because the man is insecure about who he is he attempts to fill the void with another person. This desperate attempt to resolve personal insecurity typically leads to unhealthy codependent relationships that no one wants to be around. You know what I’m talking about. The couple that shows up to a night out with friends and makes out over the table. Or the couple that is always posting really cringey things on Facebook.
The only sort of girl an insecure man can attract is a woman who is insecure herself. No self-confident woman wants to be around a guy who is constantly trying to have his existence validated by someone else. This is why these sorts of relationships become so toxic so quickly. Two insecure people get together and feed off of each other rather than help the other to resolve insecurities.
These relationships become traps which keep both people from growing. Those in the relationship suffer from a ‘crabs in a bucket’ mentality where if one person starts to make an improvement the other will drag them back down.
There are many men out there that fall to the societal pressure of their peers and families. This is especially true for twenty-somethings. The script handed to us by our parents says that we need to be married with kids by the time we are in our early thirties.
Well, if you want to accomplish that then you need to be in a serious relationship in your early to mid-twenties.
What happens to most people is that they hit the preordained age that they need to marry by and they marry the person they happen to be with. Like musical chairs, when the music stopped they took a seat on the closest available chair.
The irony of this situation is that if you are constantly in a relationship you have no flexibility in finding someone to marry, if that is your goal. If it is, doesn’t it make more sense to have high standards when it comes to relationships?
Just think about it: if you have low standards and your modus operandi is to date a girl for six months before you determine if you want to stick with her or not, how many girls can you possibly date? Over a five year period you can date ten.
On the other hand, if you have high standards you can weed girls out after the first or second date. Let’s say it is the second date and it takes you two weeks to vet them. You can now date 130 women over a five year period. Who has the better chance of finding a suitable partner?
Discomfort with being alone
If you are a habitual reader of this blog you are probably tired of hearing this by now, but the solution to this problem is to become comfortable with being alone.
The insecurity of serial monogamy occurs due to the fact that men are not comfortable with being alone. Those that participate in this behavior have a genuine fear surrounding being alone. Without someone constantly orbiting you, you are forced to think about your life. Sometimes dark thoughts come up. It is easier for most people to never entertain those thoughts and silence them with another person’s voice.
Conquering those dark thoughts gives a man self-esteem and a greater sense of who he is as a person. This greater security leads to healthier relationships because he can say no to insecure, manipulative women.
It also makes it much easier to resist the societal pressures placed on the individual. Why should you let other people dictate to you how to live your life?
By overcoming insecurity and societal pressures and learning about yourself you avoid destructive relationships. You avoid the toxic codependency created when two insecure people are together. You also avoid partnering with the wrong woman because other people told you that you need to be married by 28. Both of these relationships would explode in your face in under twenty years leaving you financially and emotionally decimated.
Do you know a man who leaps from one relationship to another?